Zach - Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

It has been awhile since my last blog. The last few weeks have been difficult. Our son, Zach, had an MRI of his brain done to rule out a brain tumor that might have been causing problems with his eyes. While we were thrilled there was no brain tumor, what they found, or didn’t find, sent us to our knees. We learned that Zach never developed an important connective pathway in the brain called the corpus callosum. It is a thick structure composed of over 200 million nerve fibers and is responsible for the communication between the right and left hemispheres of the brain. Since it never developed while he was in my womb, it is literally absent. That means Zach has a rare condition called agenesis of the corpus callosum (ACC). We have learned a great deal about this condition in the past few weeks and you can click here or here to learn more. God created our brains with an amazing ability to compensate, so there is an extremely broad spectrum of manifestations for this particular condition. Some children born with this are severely mentally retarded, while others have no problems at all. However, many kids with ACC have difficulties with social development and that is our primary concern with Zach. Though he has no academic or motor developmental delays, he does show some immaturity socially compared to his peers. He seems to have a lack of self awareness and difficulty understanding the perceptions of others; knowing this diagnosis helps to explain much of that.

One of the most concerning things for us is that the social challenges may become more problematic as he gets older. When I first learned of the abnormality, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Instead of running to the word of God as I should have, I ran to the internet. I read things like “they fall behind their peers in social and mental functioning as they approach adolescence”, and “they have challenges with peer interactions and relationships that increase with age and complexity of the social situations”, and “becomes more evident with age.” …..and I sobbed and sobbed. All I could think about was all the things Zach might miss out on. All the “what ifs” were endlessly reeling in my mind. What if he doesn't have any friends? What if he never gets married? What if he experiences the emotional pain of not fitting in? What if he can never truly come to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ? For those first few days, every time I looked at Zach, I cried over the loss of the normalcy I had hoped for his future. I remember swallowing back tears as I read bedtime stories to my children with a lump in my throat. I would stifle the tears until the kids were all tucked in bed and then have one of those guttural cries in the arms of my husband.

Since then, God has spoken to my heart and changed my perspective in an amazing way. The Lord has faithfully used the healing balm of His word and the koinonia of the body of Christ to speak truth over me. I realize this affliction is nothing compared to what others have to bear, but for me it has been another valley in which the lovingkindness of the Lord has been magnified. He has shown me so much through this trial and I must speak of His faithfulness.

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness,
That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever.
Psalm 30:11-12

I will sing of the lovingkindness of the LORD forever; To all generations I will make known your faithfulness with my mouth. Psalm 89:1-2

I am blessed to be married to a godly man. As he dries my tears, Dave faithfully reminds me that this life is but a vapor, and that we are blessed to have this new struggle to endure - that it will draw us closer to one another and closer to the Lord. He reminds me to have an eternal perspective, not a worldly one. If we view this circumstance through the lens of a follower of Christ, we have reason to rejoice.

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:3-4

I would be lying if I said I no longer slip into the sin of worry and unbelief, but the Lord has literally turned my tears into laughter and my fear into trust. Now, instead of looking at Zach and thinking “what if ”, I more often think “what a miracle, thank you Lord.” Instead of snapping at Zach in anger and impatience when he misbehaves, I more often stop and calmly respond to him. Though it has helped me to be a better mommy and to love Zach in a way I might not have otherwise, the greater lesson has been faith growing as it has caused me to consider what it is I put my hope in. Where is it that my treasure truly lies and what do I hold most precious? I have imagined the worst case scenarios with Zach, but it has caused me to remember that my hope is not in health or even happiness. My hope is in Christ alone, who is far more concerned about my holiness than my happiness. It is not because Zach has hope for a normal life that God is good. Even he faces a life time of social challenges, God is still good and His grace is still sufficient. How many believers are faced with the struggle of a severely disabled child or even the death of a child? Is God not still gracious and faithful then? Though the grace of God is demonstrated in this world, the greater grace is demonstrated in the sacrifice of His only Son, whom He sent to die in my place, paying the ransom due for my sin, so that I might have eternal life and know Him.

But God demonstrates His own love in that Christ died for us while we were yet sinners.
Romans 5:8

Yes, our little Zach is a walking miracle. Things could have been much worse. They could have found a brain tumor, he could have been severely mentally disabled, but the worst thing would have been going through this trial without knowing Christ. The mother of an infant daughter battling cancer put it much better than I ever could:

“The worst thing possible, however, would be if we didn't have a personal relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. There would be no point or purpose for this trial. There would be no growth or peace or protection. God is good. He makes no mistakes and He only does things that will help us grow in our walk with Him. We are continually singing His praises as He works in us.”

For those of you wondering if we told Zach, we did. We used as few details as possible, but told him that God made his brain a little different and very special. To which he replied,

"Okay... is the French toast ready yet?"

Bearing One Another's Burdens

By the grace of God, I was able to cross the finish line in a recent road race with my dear sister in Christ and running partner. God worked in some amazing ways during the run to help me keep my pace and stay strong. Here are just a few of the ways:

• His precious word hidden in my heart and resounding in my brain as my feet pounded the pavement.
• Many faithful volunteers handing out water, oranges, and even chocolate!
• Great Christian songs with inspiring lyrics on my iPod.
• A random runner wearing a shirt with a verse on it that I’d never read before. (Zephaniah 3:17)

One way surpasses them all though: the way He strengthened me through the body of Christ. I received great encouragement and inspiration through my sister in Christ, as she ran alongside me. We cheered each other on and challenged each other along the way. Crossing the finish line with her is a moment I will never forget. She is the one in the picture waving and smiling. I’m the one that is in her arms about to collapse. This is a great visual of what happens within the body of Christ as we rejoice with one another and we bear one another’s burdens in life.

“Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2

Since I was adopted into the body of Christ in recent years, I have been blessed to experience the love of this great family under our Almighty Father. I have learned so much during this time about what it means to truly love one another and have authentic fellowship. In Blackaby’s “Experiencing God” study, he explains that the Greek word, koinonia, is most often translated “fellowship” in the Bible. He describes it as the most complete expression of a love (agape) relationship with God. He says that when you live in this kind of love relationship with God, you will have the same quality of loving fellowship with other believers. He also says you cannot be in fellowship with God and His Son and not walk in godly fellowship with one another!

“If anyone says, ‘I love God’, yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.” I John 4:20-21

“If we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.” I John 1:7

I have found this to be so true in my own life. The more I know God, the more I love Him, and the more I love Him, the more I want to be surrounded by other believers. I absolutely adore the followers of Jesus Christ and I find the more they love Him, the more I want to be with them. There seems to be a supernatural kinship between believers whether they've known each other a few minutes or a few decades. I am continually blessed when I meet another believer for the first time and have the feeling that I’ve known her all my life. Being daughters of the Most High God unites us in a way that transcends human understanding.

There are so many things I love about being a Christian and following Christ, but experiencing koinonia with the family of believers is one of the most treasured. I have never experienced such a great love from people outside my own biological family. I have rejoiced with them in times of joy and wept with them in times of sorrow and they are both equally sweet. Though we will each stand alone before God on judgment day, He allows us to walk through this life together, hand in hand. In fact, He commands us to do so. He does not expect us to do it alone. He brings along people to help carry the load and extend a helping hand. I have sensed the presence of His Spirit through other believers in so many ways. There have been times when I could not find the words to pray what the Spirit was groaning in intercession (Romans 8:29), but these dear people spoke out words in prayer on my behalf. They have stood in the gap for me in so many ways. During times when I most needed encouragement, I have received unexpected phone calls and emails from my sisters saying something like, “God laid you on my heart today for some reason and I just want you to know I'm praying for you." How did they know? Because the same Spirit lives inside of them that lives inside of me and He prompted them to respond to His call. I have learned to never ignore it when He pricks my heart to reach out to someone specific. How gracious is our loving Father that He gives us one another! We need each other. Each of us is a vital part in the body of Christ and when we walk in the light of Christ, we are in perfect union.

And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it. 1 Corinthians 12:26

New Glasses

My little boy got glasses this week. Besides the fact that I think he looks adorable, he has also given me something to think about. He is far-sighted, so everything is now magnified by the prescription lenses. One of the first things he said to me with his new specks on was, “Wow, Mommy, you’re HUGE!” Thanks, Zach. A whole new world has opened up for him through his new little peepers. He is seeing things all around the house that before went unnoticed. Yes, like the cobwebs and dust-bunnies that need to be swept away.

That’s a lot like our spiritual blindness. We often don’t know what we don’t know. That was true of my own life before Christ gave me a new heart and made me a new creation. I was going through life doing all kinds of righteous acts like praying, going to Bible study and even talking about Jesus. I believed all the facts about Jesus, including His death and resurrection, but I was still blind and I didn’t even know it. I was a theologically informed Pagan with a great evangelical vocabulary, but I wasn’t a Christian. I came across something quite meaningful in this regard in scripture recently. I have been reading John Macarthur’s book, “The Gospel According to Jesus” and was led to see something in John chapter 9 that I had never understood before. In the account of the blind man’s healing, I saw great similarities to my own life. You may recall how Jesus mixed spittle with dirt, made a clay-like substance, and told him to go wash it off. After he did this, he could see and his physical blindness was healed. Soon after, there was quite a stirring amongst all the people who saw this great miracle. The man gave testimony several times about what Jesus had done, yet this man was still unregenerate and unredeemed. He was walking around talking about the good thing Jesus had done and yet God had not yet removed the veil over his heart and healed his spiritual blindness. It was not until later that Jesus came to him and asked him,

"Do you believe in the Son of Man?" He answered, "Who is He, Lord, that I may believe in Him?" Jesus said to him, "You have both seen Him, and He is the one who is talking with you."
And he said, "Lord, I believe." And he worshiped Him. John 9:35-38

It is here within these verses that this man is saved. Though a miracle occurred in healing his physical blindness, the divine miracle of his salvation was even greater. With his understanding of the truth about Christ, he had newly opened eyes of faith. His response in verse 38 says it all: “he worshiped Him.” Is there any other response for one who now has eyes to see Christ as sovereign Lord? When God opened my eyes to my own sin and how I had offended the very One who gave me breath, I had the godly sorrow that led me to repentance and thereby salvation (2 Corinthians 7:10). My eyes were wide open to my terminal illness of sin and my due punishment of eternal condemnation because of it. As I looked at the ransom paid by Christ on the cross, it was ever so much sweeter than it ever was before. I came running to the mercy seat and I have been dancing ever since. As I read scripture now, I am amazed at my understanding of it. I see things there I never could comprehend before, which is explained in 1 Corinthians.

The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned.
1 Corithians 2:14

Before I was saved, I didn’t have the Holy Spirit dwelling within me, teaching me continually through my understanding of the word of God. Now, reading my Bible has become a daily nourishment for my hungry soul and I am so thankful that God opened my eyes to the truth. He has really impressed upon my heart this week that it is He alone who opens eyes and changes hearts. This has been especially meaningful in my relationships with people, especially those who may not yet be born again. I have a peaceful reassurance from Him that if they are to come to salvation, it is He alone that will open their eyes. That doesn’t mean I should stop sharing the Gospel. It is still true that faith comes by hearing the word of Christ (Romans 10:17). However, all the light in the world will not make the blind see apart from the work of Christ. Even Peter could not have said, “You are the Christ”, if God had not removed the scales from his eyes.

Jesus replied, "Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by man, but by my Father in heaven.” Matthew 16:17

So my son has a new pair of glasses and so do I. Yes, I have a whole new set of lenses and they are dramatically different than they were in my unregenerate state. Then, I was an enemy of God and did not have the Holy Spirit. Now I have become a child of God and have the Holy Spirit living within me to continually teach and guide me. With my new specks, He is able to continually perfect my vision. Just as Zach is learning to clean his new lenses, God also gradually wipes smudges off my lenses and shows me something new. He who began a good work in me will see it to completion (Phil 1:6). But it will be in His timing, not mine. I want to hurry through trials and get to the other end of them, with as little discomfort as possible. I want to learn the lesson quickly and be done with it. But I must go through the valley if I able to see clearly what it is He wants to show me on the other side of it. As I cry out to God for wisdom and direction in various areas of my life, I often hear Him say,

“I have much more to say to you, more than you can now bear.” John 16:12

The way Christ reveals things to me is always slower and more painful than I would like. I want to know and understand it all immediately, without the trial. In a quote from Spurgeon, I was recently reminded of the value of troubles we may face. “We should never enjoy the juice of the grape were it not trodden in the winepress.” Many times I feel like I’m being trodden in the winepress, but I trust that the juice will be ever so much sweeter because of it as I learn all that Christ has to teach me this day.

Be Content With What You Have

Make sure that your character is free from the love of money, being content with what you have.
Hebrews 13:5

God spoke to my heart and brought me deep conviction through this verse last summer. It was during a time when I was pouting over the decision to stay in our modest home instead of building a new, big and beautiful home in the woods. Through prayer, his Word, and other believers God made it clear that we were not to move. But that didn’t make it any easier to be “content” at that time. How could I be content with what I have knowing what I could have? But, God is faithful and over time He did just that. He comforted my heart and brought me a deep contentment in our present home as I settled into staying put.

Recently though, the more time I spend at home, the more I notice all that needs to be done here. In my plight to become a Proverbs 31 wife, I have realized I must be careful that I don’t fall into the sin of idolatry of my home. I must remember it's about the people here, not the stuff. Just like it says in I Corinthians 10:12, “be careful if you think you are standing firm that you don’t fall”. And that’s just what I did in my endeavor to redecorate. I fell by letting this desire become an idol in my life, distracting me and consuming my thoughts that should be on Jesus and knowing Him.

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Matthew 6:21

My treasure had become having the perfect home instead of being content in Christ. Getting my new “Safari” paint on the walls had become much more important than it should have been. I’m not saying that having nice things is a sin, or even building a big new beautiful house in the woods is a sin. It’s not. But the place it holds in my heart should never take the rightful place of Christ, as it had for me during these past few weeks. As much as I hate to admit it, it was true. It became painfully clear to me when I sat down to pray or read my Bible and found myself daydreaming about what my home would look like when it was all “done”. It was as if I was saying “when that's done, then I’ll be content.” I thought about how many times I have done that, basing my contentment on my worldly, temporal circumstances. When I get my house the way I want it, then I’ll be content. When this or that happens, then I’ll be content. All of this caused me to take another look at that verse, “be content with what you have”. I started really thinking about what it means to be content and what exactly it is that I have. I was reminded of what Paul said in Philippians.

I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:11-13

Paul was clearly talking about a deep contentment that goes beyond physical and earthly comfort. After all, he’d been beaten, stoned, imprisoned, and persecuted and yet he was content. What was it that Paul had that gave him that true peace and contentment?
God showed me the answer even as I pondered what picture to put with this blog. What picture would capture what I have and what God calls me to be content with? What do I have? Putting a picture of my home would be silly. My home is just a place to lie my head and could be taken away in a tornado. What about putting a picture of my family? But I don’t really even “have” them. They all belong to God and could be taken away from me in illness or a car accident. Throughout the course of this week, He has shown me that what I have in Christ goes much deeper than any of that. The second part of Hebrews 13:5 is the answer to how I can always rest in contentment.

He Himself has said, "I WILL NEVER DESERT YOU, NOR WILL I EVER FORSAKE YOU”

That alone is the secret of being content. That is what I “have” and where my treasure really lies – in Christ, in my redemption, in my being bought by His ransom, in knowing Him and belonging to Him. No matter what happens, I am in Christ and He has promised never to leave me or forsake me. He has already given me every spiritual blessing under heaven (Ephesians 1:3). How dare I not be content?

So, the test splotches of my new Safari paint still stick out against the old paint like a sore thumb waiting to be painted in full. The old green chair still sits there waiting to be reupholstered. And yes, it still bothers me. But God is patiently teaching me and growing me. So next time I sit down and see the little splashes of Safari paint on the wall, I will remember where my true source of inner contentment comes from and rest in that.

His mercies are new every morning

“I wish I could start over!”

Those were the words of my 10 year old son as he "fell apart at the seams" one afternoon. For no apparent good reason, he was completely unreasonable and uncooperative and couldn’t concentrate on any particular task despite his desires to do so. In my frustration, I recalled that the weekend had been packed with activity including camping in the woods, playing in his junior football game, and doing homework. Though he wouldn't admit it, I knew he was exhausted. He takes after his mother and requires a great deal of sleep in order to be coherent and cooperative. If we don’t get that, things can get a little ugly in our house! Despite multiple attempts, he just couldn't pull himself together. He fell into a puddle of whimpers, whines and cries that sounded more like my 4 year old, than my oldest and most responsible one. Through the tears, he explained to me that though he wanted to calm down, he just couldn’t. He didn't like the way he was acting and he wanted to feel different, but he didn't know how. Finally in an exasperated sigh, he put his head in his hands and sobbed, “I wish I could just start over!”

Oh, how often I have felt that same way! Whether it’s sleep deprivation or any other thing that sets me off my game, it’s a miserable feeling to “feel” one way when you want to “feel” another. How marvelous is our God that despite our “feelings”, He never changes. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow and His mercies are new every morning. Perhaps our circumstances haven’t changed, but neither has He. He is still the sovereign ruler of the universe and I am finding that He alone is my peace (Ephesians 2:14).

Just recently, I had one of those days. Everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. I found myself depressed and downcast. I had quite the little self-pity party and wondered where my peace had gone. I knew I should probably pray and read my Bible, but I just couldn’t, or wouldn’t. So my dear beloved husband prayed over me and sent me to bed, knowing a good night’s rest would be one of the most beneficial things for me.

About 3:30 in the morning, I was awakened, most surely by the Spirit as I felt Him whisper across my soul, “Seek…don’t sleep. Seek….don’t sleep.” In my fatigue and stubbornness, I laid there for two hours wrestling with that thought. Finally, I arose and opened my devotional. Of course, He met me there in His word and spoke right to my heart. The verses for the day were the following:

The fruit of righteousness will be peace; the effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever. Isaiah 32:17

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things and the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4: 8-9

So, if I want peace, I must seek righteousness. I must arise and seek Him and His word. I must fall on my face and cry out to Him and He alone will give me peace. I must fill my mind with the wonderful things that are true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, of good repute, excellent and praiseworthy – things that are of God. When I dwell upon the things of God and memorize His word, there is no room for self-pity and depression. Oh, how my perspective had changed that morning. I am so thankful God allows us to “start over” with new mercies every morning.

For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning. Lamentations 3:22-23

I wannabe a Proverbs 31 woman

This blog has been a long time coming. If you know me at all, you know that when God shows me something new, I just can’t keep it to myself. This blog was born out of a revelation I had last spring when I realized I was too busy. My life had become so full that I was barely keeping my head above water. Though it was filled with wonderful things like Bible study, coffee with friends, evangelism outreaches and discipleship, it was full nonetheless…too full. Though my marriage was surviving and my children seemed happy, my home seemed in constant disarray. It was a struggle just to have groceries in the cupboards and clean socks in the drawers, let alone take time to plan and cook a healthy meal and sit down to a relaxed dinner with my family. I knew it was time to make some changes and pull out of some of the things I was doing. But, I had been to this decision point before. In fact, my husband assures me that it has become a repeated cycle of being too busy, promising to cut back only to end up at the same place again. However, this time is different…really. Why? Previously, my conviction was “mommy-guilt” and my desire to simplify my life was only in order to maintain sanity and prevent the family from falling apart. This time something was different…very different. This time, my conviction came straight from my Lord and Master and cut right to my heart. God began to prepare my heart with a passage in Revelation chapter 2. I remember weeping as I read it, knowing I had become like the church of Ephesus.

To the angel of the church of Ephesus write: The One who holds the seven stars in his right hand, the One who walks among the seven golden lampstands. Says this:

I know your deeds, your toil and perseverance, and that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you put to the test those who call themselves apostles, and they are not, and you have found them to be false, and you have perseverance and have endured for My name’s sake, and have not grown weary.

But I hold this against you, that you have left your first love.

Therefore, remember from where you have fallen, and repent and do the deeds you did at first.

Revelation 2: 1-5

Had I gotten so busy with ministry, with evangelism and discipleship that I had forsaken the very One who redeemed my life from the pit? Was I so concerned with doing “God’s work” that I was no longer just sitting at His feet and coming to know Him more? In the days that followed, I did just that. I sat at His feet and listened. What He showed me completely changed my perspective as I came to understand His will for me as a wife and mother in Proverbs chapter 31. As I set out for a long run, I turned on my iPod to see what sermon I might listen to. It was keyed up and ready to play a message by Pastor John Macarthur on the role of the wife in a series “The Fulfilled Family”. I remember thinking I probably didn’t really need to listen to this one and actually considering skipping it! I expected to hear about submission, which is something I have embraced and treasured since I came to know the Lord. Little did I know how the Spirit would use it teaching to bring me to godly sorrow realizing how short I have fallen in what God desires for me in the role of the wife and mother in a Biblical family. As Macarthur talked about Proverbs 31 and the expectation God has for women to pour everything they have into their husband, children and home, my heart was breaking. I began to realize how backwards I have everything. I have been so focused on ministry, evangelism and discipleship that I have made that the “main thing”. My family had taken a back seat to all that I have going on. I had spent so much time and energy on people and things outside of home that I had little left for the people that matter most in my life.

A dear friend of mine pointed out a verse within Proverbs 31 that has changed my perspective. It is one that I often refer to now when trying to decide how to spend my time.

The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.

She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.

Proverbs 31: 11-12

The way I spend my time should benefit my husband. So, now when I am faced with a decision, I ask myself “Will this benefit my husband? Will it bring him good or evil?”

I was also reminded of the very reason for which woman was created.

Then the LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.” Genesis 2:18

These verses were so freeing to me! Being a prisoner of the Lord and a slave to righteousness is so glorious. God was so clear and so faithful to answer the plea of my heart to show me His will.

I have been amazed at the change that has occurred in my heart and home since this encounter with God last spring. It certainly has not been easy and I have had lots of ups and downs, but He has given me a new desire for my husband and children – the desire to be a Proverbs 31 woman. God tells us that no matter what we're doing, we should do it to glorify Him (I Cor. 10:31). I am coming to understand that this is a season of my life in which I can glorify His name in the simple things like playing Candy Land with my kids and stirring a pot of mashed potatoes. He is teaching me so much through it all. I can’t wait to see what’s next.